When the Light Finds You

21st August 2024 Written by Dvonne Loring

The anxiety I felt last week was intense

It was incredibly uncomfortable.  It would feel suffocating and claustrophobic because I wasn't able to get away from it.  It was hanging awfully heavy in my chest and making my stomach churn

It didn't quite make sense.  I’ve tried to journal.  Recorded voice notes.  Kept myself meaningfully engaged

I felt the wear it was having on me.  I felt exhausted from burning through anxious energy during the day and then not resting at night

After a week of nursing this, and after eating, feeling sick and nauseous (anxiety can do that to me) I decided to take myself to my room and be with me

I created ritual for myself, I sat in front of the mirror and put on my “I See Me” playlist

This invited me to descend below the anxiety and into feeling

The cry I had in front of the mirror opened the valve I’d been waiting for.  It wasn't ready until that moment.  What has been patiently waiting beneath my anxiety was finally ready to be met

I cried.  I weeped.  Tears of hurt, of grief, of release

Everything is in its right place.  I fucking felt it, even in amidst the storm

Last year my life was spinning out of control.  And yet now, even when I’m anxious, I feel this sense that I’ve got me.  I’m grounded even in my anxiety.  Isn’t that wild?

My chest felt lighter, though tender, almost as if it were bruised from having carried such dense and heavy anxiety for so long

I had a moment find me as I sat in process.  A whisper came to me saying -

“I made it.  I made it out the otherside. This didn’t break me"

I was so scared it would.  Genuinely.  That what happened last year would change me forever in ways I wouldn’t ever come to like

That experience didn’t break me.  It has made me.  I was in disbelief I was saying this.  Eight and a half months on, I could genuinely say - I’m gonna be alright.  

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Dvonne.  I’m so proud of you.  You didn’t give up.  You didn’t leave when you could’ve run further than you ever have.  You have faced some of the most confronting parts of your shadow.  Parts that even now feel hard to admit but nonetheless you honestly acknowledge that.  You have met parts that have felt neglected and unloved your entire life.  You sat with the shame that has protected that hurt. 

My god you are living a life to be goddamn proud of.  A life not perfect but a life with the pillar of authenticity as its anchor

I trust I can hold myself.  I trust I can take care of myself.  I trust I know when to call in love from others and when that love needs to be from Self.  I trust that I create enough space to process.  I also trust I will prioritise living.  I trust I will continue to play and never stop having fun

I was laughing and crying at the same.  Witnessing how I go from being so tense from anxiety, struggling to breathe with this weight I want rid of to then feeling lighter and free

This too shall pass.  It always does

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When you're at rock bottom and you begin to repair - the effort, the work, the showing up, the results, the change don't immediately come; the pain is unbearable

There is a gruelling period where it feels like nothing is happening

What you mightn't realise is, the choices you make during your darkest hours are the seeds your reap the fruits from in time

Choose wisely, you deserve that. You're investing in yourself

Then you must patiently (agonisingly) wait for the returns

Times like these show you what you're made of

And my darling, you are magic

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It would've been easy for me to curse myself for having that gripping anxiety

That it's a sign that I'm failing, I'm doing something wrong or that I'm not where I'm meant / want to be

But I stayed without creating stories

It was uncomfortable, painfully so but had I run from the anxiety, I would've missed the medicine awaiting me underneath that revealed to me I had arrived, and I was set free

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I can’t believe that I’ve made it.  I fucking made it out the otherside.  I’m gonna be ok.  I can say that and feel it.  I can say it without needing to use it to convince myself as I await it to land for me.  It’s here

Everything all at once.  All of it.  My pain.  My dreams.  My strength.  My hurt. 

I am three sleeps away from going on the adventure of my life

Burning Man will be the initiation into this next chapter

I'm ready

xx