Befriending Loneliness

9th March 2023 Written by Dvonne Loring

Loneliness has been an alive theme for me for the last 12 months

Waves have emerged from the depths of my body, hidden in places I didn’t know existed

Until last year, I never would’ve described myself as ever feeling lonely

I’d categorised myself classically as an introvert

I adored my own company

Solitude was a dear companion

And I generally have the capacity to hold an incredible amount of space, time and distance within my relationships with others

This emergence of loneliness has become an unravelling of sorts

New awareness around my introversion began to reveal itself

My ability to be on my own with ease and the personality I’ve curated around these characteristics were in fact, in part, born in response to trauma

When we don’t have our fundamental needs met when we are young - our need for connection, love and safety, our being does whatever it can to compensate

Suddenly I met with my heart’s pure yearning for connection

A yearning that has been with me for as long as I can remember

A yearning I honestly didn’t know I had

This is trauma darlings - when we have to disconnect from an inherent essence

Safe connection wasn’t available to me with the consistency that I needed

My eyes widened in disbelief discovering that over the course of my life, I’d been unconsciously feeding this hunger for connection with sugar, drugs, sex, food, social media, avoidance, distraction, people, unhealthy dynamics and relationships, work

Anything

My trite attempts were filling me with pseudo-connection

None of which truly feeding, satiating or nourishing the need for meaningful connection

I suddenly saw the truth and met some of ways I perpetuate my own deep loneliness

The waves of loneliness became grander

The experience more visceral

The feeling so strong, it was like having electricity under my skin

These episodes of loneliness would hang heavy on my bones, weighing my soul down

This is a lifetime of bereaved connection I was meeting

It’s not uncommon to starve ourselves of the very thing we are hungry for

“The more we lack, the more we deprive ourselves” - Gabor Mate

I had been doing exactly that

The irony is - loneliness is omnipresent

.

What supports us to befriend our experience of loneliness?

Give ourselves permission to acknowledge its presence

“If you feel lonely, you likely aren’t receiving the amount of affectionate human contact that you desire”

- Kory Floyd

We want to be seen, understood and to feel less alone yet we are terrified by the grand vulnerability to acknowledge this painful longing so we continue to starve ourselves through avoidance. This is encouraged in a culture that deeply values individualism.

If we can begin to acknowledge and relate to our loneliness and frame it as a direct reflection of our beautiful humanity, this can support alleviating the shame often inherent in the experience.

Invite interpersonal healing

Without question, learning how to be with our own loneliness is an empowering step to owning this experience. When we can grow our embodied resilience to meet waves of loneliness, this supports our capacity to hold ourselves where we are.

The journey doesn’t end there. We are social creatures. Soothing our loneliness through safe, trusting relationships offers us the connection it requires. There are important reasons why we avoid this. Many of us have experienced great hurt and pain through our relationships. Many of us have been extraordinarily let down and have had our trust marred. And thus, we’ve learned to close and detach to ensure this doesn’t happen again. This was/is appropriate with those who have significantly hurt us. Often this can become a sweeping rule that extends to most people. The cost of this leaves us disconnected. It leaves our hearts isolated.

There is risk involved in learning the art of connection with others whom we trust after we’ve been hurt to soothe our loneliness because it requires exposing ourselves. Anything worth having takes risk darlings. Summon your courage and bravery and remember, you get to choose who you allow in. Whether that be a friend, a loved one, a therapist or a coach…

Recognise the collective piece of loneliness

We all need intimacy and affection, to varying degrees. We are living in times of an affection famine. Studies show that we touch our phones more than we touch each other. The quantity of our connection is increasing and yet the quality of our connection is dropping. We know more people than we ever have, but we know them less. This is harrowing to me. I can’t tell you what this acknowledgement does to me - that society is breeding the conditions that will only exacerbate the loneliness that already rips at the threads of my heart.

Becoming acquainted with loneliness itself is both a deeply personal and universal experience. It is a part of allowing the breadth of this human experience in. It can also be a powerful agent that can inspire the change that we’d like to see in this growingly disconnected world.

What’s your relationship like with loneliness?

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