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8th April 2024 Written by Dvonne Loring
It has been just over four months since I began tending to the fractures of my deeply broken heart
I was hurt by people I loved
People I trusted
Including myself
The ache in my chest was so great it felt like it was choking me
I could be easily winded by a memory that met my mind
The crying has been endless
I would wake up with a racing mind and pounding heart
My poor body unable to downshift and recognise it is now safe
I would view the world through dead eyes; everything including things that previously brought me great joy and meaning felt dulled and lackluster
I’d question if I’d ever receive life with beauty and wonder again, like I once had
Not knowing the answer to that question broke my tender heart even further
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When you feel like you’ve fallen apart
In the beginning, it’s about getting back to basics
I knew I couldn’t bypass the pain I was in
I knew I had to be patient
And I fucking resented that (I still partly do)
I didn’t want to sit with it
I didn’t want to feel it
I wanted it gone
.
My body’s wisdom took the lead initially; a state of numbness allowed me to finally look, with safety, at the devastation in my life
The numbness began (and continues to) dissolve and feeling is returning
Here’s the catch darling -
We all want to feel alive
And yet we forget that pain is something that reminds us that we are
“Yeah you bleed just to know your alive”
-Goo Goo Dolls by Iris
“If you can feel the pain, then you know you’re alive”
-By Any Means by Jorja Smith
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In the process of meeting yourself
You'll also meet how you've protected your vulnerability
You’ll meet how you’ve armoured yourself
You’ll also meet old standing pain
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You’ll find one way or another to respond to pain
My invitation to you, in that discovery process
Allow yourself space and time for your body and spirit to re-organise itself
Lean into its healing intelligence
This doesn’t mean you hand over your power to time and time alone
No
It means working collaboratively with time
It means making decisions that create the spaciousness for what your being needs in order for it to catch its breath
It means making (often hard) choices that don’t add, amplify or intensify the pain you’re already in
It means choosing you even when it might not be the easiest choice
It means loving yourself by choosing what you need over what you want
We may want many things
What you want is optional
What you need isn’t
Needs are non-negotiables
Needs aren’t “shoulds”
When you’re in an acute situation
Where your soul is bleeding
Your needs are in greatest service to your integrity
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I learned to actively be in the excruciatingly empty
And, now, slowly…
I feel life returning to me
Not because my heart is no longer broken
It doesn’t take much for me to weep for what still hurts
Rather it’s that my pain is no longer overwhelming me
It’s no longer hanging so heavily that it needs to be the first, second and third priority anymore
I’m also at a place where I’m attaching less meaning to this pain and what shameful things I believed it says about me
.
We all struggle
We all hurt
Deeply
In our own way
But if we don’t connect with our sadness, we can’t connect with Love
If we aren’t willing to lose
We miss the opportunity to receive what our soul calls for
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I’m mourning the people I had to let go of, including versions of myself
.
To those whose soul is aching
May this find you
Offer warmth and a loving balm to where it hurts
xx
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