Anger; Vulerability's Companion

12th October 2022 Written by Dvonne Loring

I’m currently grappling with anger

As a society we have an incredibly complex relationship with this fiery emotion

The intersection between anger and women has its own further complexities

Culturally, it has become synonymous with aggression and/or violence

Simultaneously, many of us can revert to its equal and opposite - passive aggression

Neither of which are truly harnessing the power inherent within this highly activating emotion

Or better yet, we simply tap out and unconsciously repress it; its very existence evades us

Despite this, anger is important

It signals to us when our boundaries have been approached, touched, crossed or violated

Anger mobalises to protect, guard and defend ourselves

Healthy anger is when we can acknowledge its presence and channel its message in a way that centralises safety and respect for both self and other

This might seem awfully confusing, and so it should

We don’t see many examples of what healthy anger actually looks like

We don’t see how anger can support us in our integrity, our boundary setting and foster connection

Or how it can invite us into more intimate connection with ourselves and with others

Anger is not lashing out, slamming doors, raising our voices, dangerously smashing or throwing things, hurling insults, spitting venom, storming off - these are all examples unregulated anger

Regulated anger looks like pausing when we actually want to scream

It’s removing ourselves from a situation before it escalates and then finding a safe and constructive outlet for the energy that anger activates in the body

This could look like you safely screaming into or punching a pillow to release the energy

It might look like shaking your body or going for a rigorous run

Breathing very deeply and intentionally

Clenching your fists open and closes

Tightening and releasing your jaw

Even growling

Processing anger is allowing the energy to move and discharge, again with safety as the key ingredient here for yourself and those around you

This may take time. And take that time. It's important, especially as women where we aren't allowed to be angry

We then find pseudo-outlets for it

“Suppression of anger can lead to apathy and flatness even burn out” - Jessica Maguire

Unexpressed anger can also turn into guilt and even shame that can fuel self aggression; where we turn it against ourselves

Processing anger appropriately allows the body to gently regulate

Once feeling more calm and clear with anger’s message, then you can begin to use this energy in your being and the power of your words to communicate what you need

Notice when you need to be with your anger before it becomes destructive

This is no easy task darlings

Anger is highly compelling

There are times where we will need to defend ourselves in extreme ways, where great force is required

Aside from these instances, the key is to learn how to experience anger, to breathe into the breadth of its presence within the body, process it and then act, responding and expressing from an empowered and regulated place

To create the safety around anger that we culturally need, we need to take responsibility when we haven’t been able to manage our anger well

Which, franky, is all of us most of the time

It’s seductive to become self righteous with our unhealthy anger

“Well I’m hurt / angry!” “They did someone wrong!” “They need to know how I feel and feel it too!”

Sound familiar?

In turn, a culturally reactive response to aggressive anger is we then swing the pendulum too far the other way and try to shut it down which also doesn’t serve us

“When you repress your anger, you’re also suppressing your immune system” - Gabor Mate

Without healthy expression of our anger, our being is less protected and defended not only against the unwanted behaviour of others that are crossing our boundaries, but we’re also putting ourselves at risk of compromising our mental and physical health

Jeff Brown speaks to the important function of anger where he asserts that healthy anger helps to restore the integrity of our being and he outlines how sacred this emotion is ‘if it is honored authentically, without destruction’.

‘We do healthy anger work because we come to recognize that we cannot touch into the deepest parts of our vulnerability without it. Until the inner child knows that we have the capacity to protect her tenderness with ferocity, she will not fully reveal it. He will only open so much, until he knows that he can hold himself safe. This is one of the reasons why those who grew up unprotected will often keep their hearts closed. They don’t have a template for self-protection. Sometimes we have to forge that template ourselves - in the fires of our own empowerment. The more sturdily we can touch into and express our rightful anger, the more comfortable we will feel embodying and expressing our vulnerability. The more powerful our roar, the more open our core…’

He illuminates the symbiotic relationship between anger and vulnerability

Anger is an art form I’m only just scratching the surface of

There is great textured complexity

It’s not black and white and it’s important we delicately approach how much of this lies within the grey of things

There is no grand sweeping rule for healthy anger

There are times when great force to defend and protect are absolutely necessary and others when it is grossly inappropriate

If you feel your mind want to clasp onto something concrete, it’s a sign you want to know

That's an opportunity to trust here

The relationship you have with anger is a divinely unique one, and one of discovery

Questions you can ask yourself -

• What is my anger communicating to me about this situation?

• What does this situation remind me of? Something in the past?

• How is my anger serving me?

• How can I embody my anger with respect and integrity?

Reclaiming your anger will allow you to step into being a powerful agent in your life

What's your relationship like with anger?

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